Insomnia

I don't sleep. I can't.

     Sleep is the most painful and miserable part of my existence. Due to medical conditions, I cannot lay flat in a bed. I either have to be at a steep incline, or sitting up.  Should I not do so, my stomach acid flows freely into my esophagus and into my lungs.  Vomit chokes me and burns scar tissue into my throat and lungs.  So I lay in bed for 8-16 hours, staring at the ceiling, wide awake.  All the bad memories, all the torturous experiences, all the self-doubt and self-hatred flow into the mind when staring at the ceiling.  Suicidal thoughts take over.  The mind figures that if it cannot sleep by normal means, then it may as well plunge itself into a more permanent sleep by non-normal means.  On the chance that I do fall asleep, the torment increases.
     My dreams are never happy.  Past enemies, exes, former friends, and abusers populate my dream world.  Reminding me of all the suffering caused by their hands, or the sufferings brought about by my actions.  They get to torment and berate me.  Bind me up and torture me.  All their desires to watch me scream and writhe and cry are fulfilled.  Death finds me in every dream I have.  I wake in a panic, get up and try to avoid the bedroom. Then I wake up again.  Discerning between the dream world and the real world is nearly impossible for me.
     So instead, I stay awake.  I stay awake for days on end.  Sometimes reaching 3-5 days without sleep.  Hallucinations and delusions invade my consciousness.  Reading, wandering the internet, studying foreign languages, drawing, painting, all occupy my sleepless nights.  I feel sick all the time.  I rarely eat due to the nausea caused from sleep deprivation. Bags have permanently formed under my eyes, and the eyes have sunken back into the skull.  Skin becomes white when living in the night.  Health fades. Life fades. Memory fades. The haze descends onto everything.  Living in a mist. Dying in shadow.