Knowing reality from imagination is a difficult thing for my mind. My brain has issues and chemical imbalances that lend wonderful memory issues to my life. I have little surety in my life. There have been times in the past where I've had entire months of my life turn out to be imaginary. Relationships that I swear existed turned out to be extremely vivid and realistic hallucinations and dreams. I once knew a girl, was fond of her, started to date her, and became close and intimate with her. One day, when I talked to her romantically, she acted very confused and asked me what I was talking about. The 5 month long relationship I remember having with her was nothing but smoke and mirrors.
It is both embarrassing and depressing to have such moments happen. My old friends from high-school and community college are nothing more than vague memories. Ones which I have no way of determining if they are real or not. Names and numbers remain, but no texts or calls are answered or responded to. When there is no response, my mind becomes convinced that the person either doesn't exist anymore, or had never existed in the past. It believes that it just made contacts in its phone, in an attempt to not feel so terribly isolated and alone.
Pitifully, I have done that in the past. I have made fake contacts in my phone, or sent texts to myself in order to not feel as alone. Emails are also sent to myself, so that I can get a "(1)" on my inbox. Makes me think that someone actually wanted to write me. So long as I don't read the email, I can keep the illusion going that I have friends. Practices like this do not help me in remembering who is imaginary and who is not. Memory sucks. Loneliness blows.
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